Leaving Facebook… ╭∩╮ ⎝ᄽ⏝ᄿ⎠ ╭∩╮

May 16th, 2010

Due to the more recent privacy changes and the bait-and-switch going on over there, along with how they’re continually changing their settings, I’m going to finally delete that stupid account. :P It’s honestly only brought me more heartache than good stuff anyways. So many people I thought were my friends — from high school years to just random guildmates from WoW — they came and went. A lot of it was due to misunderstandings being blown out of proportion, but most of it was due to hypocrisy. It’s amazing what anonymity on the internet can do to change a person.

It’s probably silly to rant on here about stupid drama, but meh, it’s my blog. :P The few friends that I still do have on there hardly ever talk to me anyways… so it’s not like it’s serving its purpose of keeping me in touch with them. Most of the things I’m into don’t even interest them anyways. Well, there’s Lingo, but she’s 1 person (and I probably annoy the crap out of her anyways ^^;).

I mean there was one person from high school that I was talking to in regards to our interests and I was just briefly talking about how I enjoy anime. Her response was “Anyways…it is cool you are into cartoons and acme stuff…I’m into golf and your not.” Heh. So either she didn’t really read what I wrote or well… doesn’t care, which I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a bit of both, sadly. It’s not like I have the most exciting life, either. Been unemployed for about three years, no kids, no family, no social life to speak of. Lots of things about me is rather boring and dull. I’m fully aware of that, but sometimes it’s just nice to be noticed every now and then. I added a lot of people from my old church and well… that might have been somewhat of a mistake because it sorta stings to see them having a blast way over there and I’m stuck out here missing out on all of it. It’s not that I’m not happy for them, because I am, but it makes me feel even more lonely out here, I guess. So many people seem to lead such amazing and interesting lives. All I do is mope around all day how I never hear from any of the jobs I apply for.

It was really my mistake in the first place to try and compensate my lack of a real/social life with Facebook “friends.” I’ve never been a social person, though. I don’t know if somebody is annoyed with me or happy, so I always assume that they’re annoyed with me if I don’t hear from them for a while. It’s just always been that way, though. I grew up with hardly any friends and was always that different-looking girl who sat in the corner by the door during recess. I was constantly teased and when teachers would bring it up to my parents during parent-teacher conferences, they’d feign compassion and see what can be done about it when we get home. All I’d get was more belittling from my parents, saying that I deserve all the crap that I get from them and then of course the physical beating that came with it because I “embarrassed” them with the school.

Being “abused” both at school and home, I really had no where to turn. I visited my “a-yi” (auntie) for a couple months during my summer breaks… which was always a huge blessing. I think if it weren’t for her, I’d have truly lost myself. She was the closes thing I ever had to a motherly figure. She was more of a mother than my own mother was, anyways. Ever since her husband passed away, she hasn’t been the same lady. That, and with her ailing health and early signs of dementia, she hardly ever talks to me anymore. She remembers quite clearly of the stuff that happened when I was young, but anything I talk to her about now she just ups and forgets. Even if the conversation happened 5 minutes ago, she’d forget it was even spoken about. It’s really difficult to see her like this, too. It also made things extremely awkward when I adopted my only child to her daughter over ten years ago (the child was the result of a rape, and my parents said if I chose to NOT have an abortion, they’d disown me, so my a-yi’s daughter took me in to live with them for 6 months until the baby was born). Sometimes, a little tugging in the back in my mind makes me regret doing that. It just seemed even from that point, my relationship with her was estranged somehow. But what’s done is done.

For the past few years, I’ve been struggling with feeling very alone and unhappy with everything. I cry randomly by myself and throw pity parties. But I don’t think that’s abnormal… everyone throws pity parties for themselves. A “friend” on Facebook even told me that my husband “completely enable[s] [my] pity parties.” Oh if only she knew. If only people knew. But they don’t. This is why I am no good with people… because so many of them that I’ve known over the years jump to wrongful conclusions and make assumptions that are not true. What do they know about me? The same what I know about them. Sure, everything on the outside looks peachy, but is it really? All in all, I just think Facebook made me more depressed seeing how everyone on there on the “outside” are successful and enjoying all of the little things that life throws at them. I wish that I could have a bit of that, too.

After I clean out some of the pictures I have stored in there and back them up, it’ll all go poof. In a way, it’s kind of relieving. I can go back to my more anonymous blog and just tweet little things here and there every now and then. I don’t have to feel like I’m fighting upstream to get everyone’s attention anymore. I can do stuff at “mai pasu” and not care about living up to anybody’s standards. We are the main characters of our own stories… that’s what I need to keep in mind. I’m tired of being put down and told that I am just throwing pity parties because this is what I do as a form of comfort. I don’t have anyone around other than my husband to comfort me (and even then it’s a stretch mainly because he’s male -_-;), so why not?